I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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