i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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