apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
