My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
