I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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