What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
