no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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