I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
