Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
