I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
