he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
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