i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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