O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
