Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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