one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
