4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize