Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
