How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
