Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
