onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
