Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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