I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
