Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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