More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
