Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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