When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
