He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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