Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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