May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
