i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
