Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
