I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize