i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
