Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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