i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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