i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Hippo gnu deer
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
