We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
