Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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