So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she smelled like a LAN party
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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