shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
