My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
