You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i love accidental penises.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
