From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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