Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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