I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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