my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
