He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
