I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
