He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
