she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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