Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
