Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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