and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
