someone get that fucking seahorse.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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