oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
