"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
