Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
