oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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