Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
