The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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