I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
